Aunt Bonnie

Bonnie (Harris) Mosley

The breast cancer you were beating, the lung cancer became too much.

You gave up the fight this morning at 4:51 am. You will be missed...you are already missed.

As an adult I finally understood and embraced your strong will, and your take no bullshit personality. If we had been given more time, we would have 'kicked ass and taken names later' together.

The house that silent treatment built

Since asking my sister to start supporting herself I've been ignored by the remaining member of the household.

Seems she wanted to buzz in my ear about how wrong my sister was acting but when it came time to stand up for what she was saying, she backed down, leaving me to look like the big bad. Again.

You can't do that. You're either Switzerland or you're America. You can't simultaneously stay out of every one's business AND be in every one's business.

There's a lot less I have to listen to when it comes to my flaws. That part I like. No one should have to have their personality constantly in question right where they live. It isn't fair. It leaves no safe place to go. Really if I'm too hard to live with the people that believe that should move on. Right? My name is the one on the mortgage and I'm responsible for it so that automatically rules out me moving on. So either learn to get along or ....well, get-a-long.

Now people keep thinking that's my way of kicking them out. Not at all. I'm just saying, I'm not going to be miserable where I live anymore. If you can't agree with that, there's nothing more for us to say.


Update: 10/05/11 1:45 PM

So what do you do when you live with people that don't know how to work past differences?

As you know my mother has been living with me. Every time we get into a fight, her knee jerk reaction is to say she doesn't have to live like this and she's just going to move on. I don't understand who does that.

If you live with someone, you're going to fight. Some fights are going to be your fault, some theirs and some are going to be due to misunderstandings.  Some will be valid and some with be so stupid that you're embarrassed to admit you started them but no matter what you WILL fight.

What I think makes a difference is this: if you can see your flaws and faults. If you can concede every now and then to someone else's point of view, you have a chance of living at least mostly peacefully together. If you can't let go of anything. If you can't see that you aren't perfect then you might as well sign up for that single bedroom apartment and let others live in peace.

That's what she's decided to do and I wish her luck.

I Really wish

something would change. I feel like I'm on autopilot all the time. What am I really contributing?

Not that anyone notices the giant waste of space I've become. There isn't anyone to notice. Why does everyone else get to find someone when I don't? That's the part I feel is the most unfair. I know I'm not the prettiest or the smartest and I'm sure not the nicest but I've seen uglier, dumber, meaner people than I that have found someone.

I still have my plenty of fish account. I can't bring myself to delete it but I also can't bring myself to reply to anyone in my inbox, except for a couple that sounded sincere. But even those weren't replies so much as they were appologies for being so freaked out by my experiences that I can't even bring myself to keep trying. So that's where I'm at there...stuck between not wanting to give up and to scared to keep trying.

Headache

Well I've managed to cry for almost 4 hours now. My eyes burn, my head hurts and I have to work the next three nights on monitors. My eyes will be screaming by Friday. It's my fault though really. I let things and people get to me too easily.

No I don't think this has anything to do with me quitting...did I mention I quit smoking? But I don't think it has to do with that.

I'm just really tired of not being the only adult in the house but still feeling like I'm the only one fighting for a life that's at least a little better than paycheck to paycheck.  I want a little security. a couple months worth of mortgage payments would be nice...just in case.  Having central heat and air that isn't 20 years old...that would be nice.

I know now that I'll never find anyone, let alone someone that wants the same thing I want. So why even try to be social and amicable anymore?

Just the work mule kicking back.

Did you enjoy the cool air of the air conditioner this summer? Yes.
Do you smell good because you were able to take showers everyday? Yes.
Was the water for your shower warm? Yes.
Is your dog still well feed even though you've not bought dog food in months? Yes.
Has your trash been picked up and hauled away every week? Yes.

That stuff all costs money too. Those are things that the whole household benefits from. They are called household bills and expenses for a reason.

Say what you want about me but think about this...If you are comparing how you are acting today with how I used to act 15 years ago...what is that truly saying?

In case people are confused...Tara's halfway house has officially closed for business due to the grave attack on the owner. (She's been stabbed in the back, the poor dear.)

And one more thing...when you have less bills and more income than I do...that IS you on your feet. So It's time to climb off my back and put your big girl panties on.

A lesson you shouldn't have to learn

is not to trust people.

A few days ago I had my cell phone and car keys sitting in the child seat of my shopping cart. By time I got out to my car, the keys were there...the phone was not.

What goes through a persons mind when they steal from others? How can you do something like that and not feel bad? Even in the smallest instant do they wonders if they put a hardship on the person they took from? Do they not worry about their future if they get caught? Don't they ask themselves if its worth going to jail?

I'm glad my conscious won't allow me to steal like that.

Update: 9/27/11

Someone had the phone and was listening to my voicemail and using the Internet on it. I was shocked and made even angrier. It's one thing to steal a phone and pull the Sim card out to resell or use yourself but to listen to my voicemail? That just adds insult to injury.